A Therapist Is More Than A Confidante

Not too long ago I overheard a conversation between two women - one was a hair stylist, the other a retired jeweler. They were discussing their jobs and how so many of their customers treat them like therapists.

"My customers tell me all of their problems," the jeweler said. "I feel like I'm their therapist."

"Me too," the stylist responded.

The conversation wasn't directed towards me and probably didn't have anything to do with me. But it annoyed me nonetheless. I have been a practicing therapist for over 25 years and still work hard to learn new skills and techniques that will be helpful to my clients. Yes, my clients bring their problems to me and I feel humbled and privileged to be a part of the solution to those problems. I am deeply aware of my professional responsibilities and how much depends on my ability to "get it right." This has caused me many worrisome days and sleepless nights. But, in the end, I almost always feel good about what I am able to accomplish with my clients and the positive impact that our conversations have on their lives.

A hair stylist - who listens to her customers' problems while she is cutting their hair - is a hair stylist who takes a genuine interest in her clients. Hopefully that interest translates into a good haircut that makes them feel good about themselves - because her reputation is based on the color and cut of her customers' hair, not her ability to solve their problems.

The jeweler who listens to her customers' problems is similarly situated. Her job is to sell jewelry to her customers. If they like what they see (and feel they are getting a good price), she will make a sale. Perhaps her listening skills enhance their trust in her and increase the likelihood of a sale. If so, being a good listener turns out to be good for business.

But there is more to being a therapist than good listening skills. Therapy is the treatment of mental illness and the relationship between therapist and client is a sacred trust. I like my hair stylist; she makes my frizzy gray hair look soft, wavy and brown. And, of course, if I look better than I feel better and if I feel better than I am less likely to be anxious or depressed. But I wouldn't entrust her with my mental health.

As for the jeweler, that's a whole different story. I've never wanted or needed jewelry to make me feel better about myself. So I can't imagine spending much time in the jeweler's chair, let alone telling her my problems. Nor do I think that a diamond ring will help alleviate whatever sadness or anxiety I am feeling. Not everyone will agree with me. Obviously some people do feel better about themselves when they are wearing a new piece of jewelry.

Every role is important and every role requires skill. But I would never pretend that I know how to cut hair or appraise a diamond ring. This is not the work of a therapist, just as therapy is not the work of a hair stylist or a jeweler.